What to Expect in EMDR Therapy: Who, What, When, Where & Why

Starting any new therapy can bring up questions, but EMDR therapy often comes with a little more uncertainty.

Unlike traditional talk therapy, EMDR has a reputation for looking different. Maybe you've seen videos of people following lights with their eyes or heard someone mention tapping or buzzers. Or maybe you don't know much about it at all. You've heard the acronym, know it's often associated with trauma, and are wondering what EMDR actually is, how it works, and whether it might help you.

On top of that, the stories people tell about EMDR can make it sound almost too good to be true. You might hear someone say, "EMDR completely changed my life," without much explanation of what actually happened during treatment or why it helped. When we don't understand what we're seeing, it's easy to assume something almost impossible is happening behind the scenes.

The truth is, EMDR isn't magic. It's a thoughtfully structured, evidence-based therapy that has helped many people heal from traumatic experiences and a wide range of other concerns. Decades of research continue to support its effectiveness.

At the same time, researchers are still learning exactly how EMDR works. While researchers have proposed several well-supported theories, there isn't one universally accepted explanation yet.

In this article, I'll walk you through what to expect during EMDR therapy, including who EMDR can help, what it is, where it takes place, when reprocessing typically begins, and why it works differently than traditional talk therapy.  My hope is that by the end, you'll have a clearer understanding of what EMDR actually looks like and feel more confident deciding whether it's the right fit for you.

The Who: Who Can Benefit from EMDR Therapy?

Although EMDR is best known for treating trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it's often helpful for much more than that.

One way trauma is often described is as anything that is too much, too soon; too much for too long; or too little for too long, especially in the absence of a caring other person. In other words, it's an experience that overwhelms your nervous system's capacity to cope, and you don't have someone there to help you navigate through it.

This broader understanding of trauma helps explain why EMDR isn't only used to treat PTSD.

This is one of the reasons trauma can be difficult to recognize in ourselves. We often think of trauma as only the most catastrophic experiences, but trauma isn't determined solely by what happened. It's also influenced by how our nervous system responded to the event, the support and skills we had available at the time, and whether those experiences continue to affect us today.

Many people who struggle with anxiety, relationship patterns, panic, or feeling emotionally overwhelmed also benefit from EMDR.

They often don't come in asking to process trauma. Instead, they're trying to understand why they react the way they do. As therapy unfolds, they sometimes discover that experiences they never thought of as traumatic are still shaping how their mind and body respond today.

EMDR may be helpful for people experiencing:

Trauma and unresolved experiences

• Trauma or PTSD

• Distressing life experiences that still feel unresolved

• Grief and loss

Emotional and nervous system responses

• Anxiety and panic

• Phobias

• Emotional intensity or feeling like your reactions are bigger than you'd like them to be

Patterns that continue into the present

• Negative self-beliefs or low self-esteem

• Relationship patterns that keep repeating

• Performance anxiety or experiences that interfere with work, school, sports, or other important areas of life

You don't have to remember every detail of a past experience or even identify with the word "trauma" to benefit from EMDR. Many people seek treatment because they notice patterns in the present, such as feeling stuck, becoming overwhelmed in certain situations, or reacting in ways that don't match how they want to respond.

Whether you meet the criteria for PTSD or have simply been left feeling stuck in patterns that aren't working, EMDR may be worth exploring. The goal isn't to determine whether your experiences were "bad enough." It's to understand how those experiences may still be influencing your life today and whether processing them could help you move forward.

The What: What Is EMDR Therapy?

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It's a therapy originally developed to help people recover from traumatic experiences, but today it's also used to treat concerns such as anxiety, panic, phobias, grief, negative self-beliefs, unhelpful relationship patterns, emotional intensity, and other challenges that continue to affect how we think, feel, and respond in the present.

At its core, EMDR helps process memories and experiences that become stuck. While we can't change what happened, we can change the way those memories are stored and the impact they have on us today. Events that once felt overwhelming can begin to feel less emotionally charged, allowing your mind and body to respond to the present moment based on what's happening now rather than through the lens of the past

One of the things that makes EMDR different from traditional talk therapy is that it doesn't rely solely on talking through what you've been through. Instead, it uses bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, alternating taps, or sounds, to help facilitate the brain's natural processing while a trained therapist guides the process. This process helps desensitize distressing memories while reducing the intensity of the body's automatic responses to them.

Although the name emphasizes eye movements, many people don't use eye movements at all. Bilateral stimulation can take several forms, and together you and your therapist will decide what feels most comfortable for you.

The When: How Do We Pace the Process?

One of the most common questions people have is, "When does reprocessing begin?"The answer depends on the individual, which is why a better question is: How do we pace the process?

EMDR isn't simply an intervention used during reprocessing; it's also a way of understanding how past experiences continue to influence the present. Throughout treatment, there is ongoing curiosity about:

• What experiences may have shaped the way you see yourself or the world?

• How your nervous system responds in certain situations.

• What strengths have helped you get through difficult experiences?

• Which coping strategies are still helpful, and which ones may no longer be working?

• What support, skills, or confidence might need to be built before moving into deeper processing?

Those questions help guide every decision that's made throughout therapy, not just the reprocessing sessions. In many ways, EMDR is as much a way of understanding your story as it is a method of helping you process it.

Because of that, EMDR isn't a therapy where everyone follows the same timeline. Although reprocessing is often the part people associate with EMDR, it's only one piece of the overall process. In fact, EMDR is an eight-phase therapy, and reprocessing is just one of those phases.

Before beginning reprocessing, your therapist will spend time getting to know you, understanding your history, identifying your goals, and making sure you have the tools and support needed to process safely. Depending on your history and current needs, this may include learning grounding skills, strengthening your ability to regulate, developing practical coping strategies, and building confidence in your ability to manage difficult emotions before moving into deeper processing.

This preparation phase isn't separate from treatment. It is treatment. Building the ability to stay present with difficult emotions, regulate your nervous system, and develop confidence in your ability to cope often becomes an important part of the healing itself.

There isn't a "right" timeline. Sometimes people are ready to begin reprocessing relatively quickly. Other times, spending more time building a stronger foundation leads to more effective and lasting change. The goal isn't to move as quickly as possible. It's to move at a pace that feels manageable for your nervous system while creating the conditions for meaningful, lasting healing.

Once you and your therapist decide you're ready, reprocessing begins. Throughout the process, you'll continue checking in, pausing when needed, and working collaboratively.

Part of healing is learning that you can do hard things. Sometimes you'll choose to lean into difficult moments because you're ready. Other times you'll decide to pause, regroup, and come back later. Both are part of the process.

Every part of the process is moving you toward your goals, not just the reprocessing sessions.

The Where: Where Does EMDR Therapy Take Place?

One of the biggest surprises for many people is how ordinary an EMDR session actually looks.

Whether you're meeting in person or virtually, your sessions will be spent working collaboratively with your therapist, much like any other therapy appointment. Although reprocessing may look a little different, EMDR still involves conversation, reflection, and collaboration.

During reprocessing, your therapist will guide you through bilateral stimulation using things like back-and-forth eye movements, alternating taps, or sounds. If you're meeting in person, this might involve following a light bar with your eyes, holding small handheld buzzers, or using tapping. If you're meeting virtually, eye movements, self-tapping, or audio tones can be just as effective. There's no one "right" approach. You may use one form of bilateral stimulation or a combination, depending on what works best for you.

Research has shown that EMDR can be effectively provided through virtual therapy, and many people appreciate being able to do this work in their own space.

Throughout the entire process, you'll remain awake, aware, and in control. EMDR is not hypnosis, and you won't be asked to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Therapy remains collaborative from beginning to end, and you always have the ability to ask questions, pause, or let your therapist know what you're experiencing.

While EMDR may look different from traditional talk therapy, the heart of the process is the same: a safe, collaborative relationship where healing happens one step at a time.

The Why: Why Does EMDR Work Differently Than Traditional Talk Therapy?

One of the things that makes EMDR unique is that it doesn't rely solely on talking through difficult experiences. While talking can be an incredibly important part of healing, many people find that insight alone doesn't always change how they feel or how their nervous system responds.

Have you ever found yourself thinking,"I know that logically, but it doesn't feel true"? Or, "I know why I'm doing this, but I can't seem to change my reactions." That's a common experience. You might know you're safe, worthy, or no longer in danger, yet your body continues to react as if those experiences are happening in the present. EMDR helps bridge that gap by working with both the mind and the nervous system.

One way EMDR does this is through bilateral stimulation, such as eye movements, tapping, or sounds, while you're connected to a specific memory or experience. Although researchers continue to study exactly why bilateral stimulation is effective, one of the leading theories is that it taxes working memory, making distressing memories feel less vivid and emotionally intense over time while supporting the brain's ability to reprocess the experience.

What we do know is that EMDR has decades of research supporting its effectiveness for trauma and many other concerns. We don't yet have one universally accepted explanation for every mechanism involved, and that's okay.

The brain is incredibly complex, and we're still learning more about how it works every year. The fact that researchers continue to refine their understanding of EMDR isn't a weakness. It's simply part of how science advances. One of the things I appreciate about science is that it doesn't stop asking questions simply because something works. It continues testing, refining, and building a better understanding over time.

You don't have to fully understand exactly how EMDR works before deciding whether it's right for you. My hope is that this article has helped make the process feel a little less mysterious and a little more approachable.

Common Questions About EMDR Therapy

Do I have to talk about every detail of what happened?

No. One of the unique aspects of EMDR is that you don't have to describe every detail of a difficult experience for the therapy to be effective. While you'll work with your therapist to identify memories and experiences to process, you won't be expected to tell your story in exhaustive detail unless you want to.

Will I lose control during EMDR?

No. Throughout EMDR, you'll remain awake, aware, and in control. You can ask questions, pause the process, or let your therapist know what you're experiencing at any time. EMDR is a collaborative therapy, and you always have a say in how the process unfolds.

What if I don't remember everything?

That's okay. Memories don't have to be complete or perfectly clear for EMDR to be helpful. Sometimes people work with specific memories, while other times they begin with emotions, body sensations, or present-day situations that feel connected to earlier experiences.

What if nothing comes up?

There's no "right" way to experience EMDR. Some people notice vivid memories, while others notice emotions, body sensations, thoughts, or subtle shifts in perspective. Whatever comes up becomes useful information that helps guide the process.

Can EMDR make me feel worse before I feel better?

Sometimes people notice that difficult emotions or memories feel more present between sessions, especially early in treatment. This is often a sign that your brain is continuing to process experiences outside of therapy. Your therapist will work with you to help you understand what you're experiencing and make adjustments if needed so the process remains manageable.

How do I know if EMDR is right for me?

The best way to find out is by talking with a therapist trained in EMDR. Together, you can explore your goals, current concerns, and whether EMDR feels like a good fit for you. For many people, EMDR becomes one part of a broader treatment plan tailored to their individual needs.

EMDR can seem almost magical when you first hear about it. The truth is, it isn't magic. It's a thoughtfully structured, evidence-based therapy that has helped many people process difficult experiences and move toward meaningful, lasting change.

Whether you're just beginning to explore therapy or wondering if EMDR might be the right fit, I hope this article has helped make the process feel a little less mysterious and a little more approachable.

You don't have to have all the answers before taking the first step.

6 Misconceptions About EMDR Therapy (And What I've Learned as a Therapist)

EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is one of those therapies that can seem a little mysterious from the outside. That's understandable. It looks different from most forms of therapy, and it's natural to wonder why it's done the way it is. If you've ever seen it portrayed, it probably looks like someone moving their eyes back and forth while revisiting a painful memory. But that's only a small part of what's happening.

Although EMDR is an eight-phase therapy, most people think only about the reprocessing phases. That’s what I thought too when I first began studying EMDR. While those phases are certainly important, they're only one piece of a much bigger picture.

As I've learned more about EMDR and continued to practice it, I've come to appreciate not simply the techniques it uses, but the way it conceptualizes healing. While I don't believe EMDR is the only path to healing, I do think it offers a thoughtful framework for understanding how difficult experiences become "stuck” and what helps those experiences become integrated.

Throughout this article, you'll see me use the word integration. When I use that word, I simply mean helping difficult experiences become part of your story so they no longer automatically influence how you think, feel, relate, and respond in the present.

Over the years, I've also noticed that many people come into EMDR with understandable questions and assumptions about what it is, how it works, and why it's structured the way it is. So I thought I'd share a few of the most common ones, and what I've learned while practicing EMDR.

1.  EMDR Doesn't Start With Reprocessing

One misconception is that EMDR doesn't begin until reprocessing begins. However, preparation isn't separate from EMDR, it is EMDR.

Preparation isn't a waiting room. It's where healing begins. People often come to EMDR eager to "get started." Some even feel a little impatient to begin what they think is the "real work" of reprocessing, as though everything beforehand is simply getting them there. In reality, preparation isn't a means to an end. It's a crucial part of helping the brain and nervous system process a stuck experience differently than it could the first time.

And I get it. If you've been struggling for a long time and you've finally found a therapist, you're probably eager to get started. That motivation is a strength. My goal isn't to slow you down. It's to help you understand that preparation isn't delaying the work. It is the work.

Why Preparation Matters

Trauma-informed care recognizes that healing doesn't happen by overwhelming the nervous system all over again. Moving too quickly can leave someone feeling flooded, reinforce survival patterns, or simply become too much for the brain to integrate.

Instead, we aim for a pace that gently stretches the nervous system without overwhelming it, a pace where growth is possible.

Preparation often includes helping clients develop the ability to:

• notice and name emotions

• recognize body sensations

• practice grounding skills

• develop coping strategies that help regulate difficult emotions

• strengthen dual awareness—the ability to connect with the past while remaining anchored in the present

• identify experiences of safety, support, protection, competence, and connection that can serve as internal resources during processing

Healing Requires More Than Revisiting the Past

One way some clinicians conceptualize trauma is as experiences that were too much, too soon, too much for too long, or not enough for too long, in the absence of enough support.

I find this perspective helpful because it shifts the question from "What happened?" to "What was missing?"

Sometimes what was missing was safety.

Sometimes it was protection, comfort, connection, or someone to help make sense of what was happening.

Healing often happens when painful experiences are processed while we also have access to what was originally missing, things like support, protection, competence, regulation, and present-day perspective.

That's why preparation is so important. Before we revisit difficult memories, we intentionally strengthen those resources so the brain and nervous system aren't approaching the experience from the same place they were the first time.

Healing isn't simply about reducing the influence of painful experiences. It's also about increasing the influence of supportive ones. Healing isn't subtraction. It's integration.

2.  EMDR Involves More Than Your Thoughts

Because EMDR asks about thoughts and beliefs, such as the negative belief connected to a memory and the belief you'd rather hold instead, it's easy to assume it's mostly about changing the way you think. Those questions are certainly important, but they're only one part of the process.

EMDR is built on the understanding that memories are made up of much more than thoughts alone. Memories include:

• Sensory information: images, sounds, smells, touch, and taste

• Cognitive information: thoughts and beliefs

• Affective information: emotions

• Somatic information: body sensations

Because memories involve all of those pieces, healing often involves all of those pieces too.

That's reflected throughout the EMDR protocol. During the assessment phase, you're asked about the image connected to the memory, the thoughts and beliefs that go with it, the emotions it brings up, the body sensations you notice, and how distressing it feels. There is even an entire phase dedicated to scanning the body to make sure the memory hasn't simply been processed cognitively, but throughout the nervous system as well.

Sometimes we become so focused on making sense of our experiences intellectually that we overlook the other ways they're represented.

That's one of the reasons EMDR resonates with me. It recognizes that experiences aren't represented only through thoughts. They also live in emotions, body sensations, sensory information, beliefs, and patterns of responding. If healing involves all of those pieces, it makes sense that therapy would too.

For many people, I think this comes as a relief. It means you don't have to find the perfect words or have everything figured out before healing can begin. Insight is valuable, and many people naturally gain new insights through EMDR. But insight isn't the goal of the process. It's often something that emerges as the brain begins integrating experiences in a new way.

3.  EMDR Is Structured, Not Rigid

Before I was trained in EMDR, I assumed that following a structured protocol might make therapy feel rigid or even a little robotic. That concern didn't last very long. What I found instead was a framework that provides structure without sacrificing flexibility.

I've heard EMDR described as scripted, but not prescriptive, and I think that's one of the best ways to understand it.

The protocol provides an evidence-informed roadmap, but effective EMDR isn't about mechanically following a script. The phases have a natural order because each one serves a purpose, but that doesn't mean therapy always moves in a perfectly straight line.

People heal differently. Some people need more time building emotional awareness. Others benefit from strengthening coping skills, resources, or relational safety before reprocessing begins. Even after reprocessing has started, it's common to return to preparation for a while if additional support or stabilization would be helpful.

What surprised me most was how much clinical judgment EMDR actually requires. The protocol provides structure, but it also creates space to slow down, revisit earlier phases, strengthen resources, or spend more time where someone needs it.

Good EMDR doesn't prioritize the protocol over the person. The structure is there to support healing, not to force someone through a process they're not ready for.

4.  You Don't Have to Do It Perfectly

Sometimes people feel a little thrown off during the assessment phase of EMDR. The questions come fairly quickly, and it's natural to wonder, "Am I giving the right answer?" or spend time trying to find the most accurate response. I think part of that comes from not understanding the purpose those questions serve.

The purpose of the questions is more important than finding the perfect answers. Their purpose isn't to analyze the memory or find the "right" response. It's to briefly activate the different parts of the memory and get a general sense of how distressing it feels before processing begins.

You'll be asked about the image connected to the memory, the thoughts and beliefs that go with it, the emotions it brings up, the body sensations you notice, and the level of distress you experience. Together, those questions help activate the different components of the memory.

Understanding that can be surprisingly reassuring. You don't have to perform EMDR correctly or search for the perfect image, belief, emotion, or body sensation. Your therapist isn't looking for perfect answers. They're there to guide the process and help you access what you need.

If something would help you feel more comfortable before getting started, let your therapist know. Some people feel more at ease after understanding why each step of the protocol exists or after walking through the process before beginning a larger target. Others prefer to experience it as they go. There isn't one right way. Good EMDR is collaborative, and the process should be adapted to help you feel informed, supported, and ready.

5.  You Don't Have to Tell Me Everything.

One of the biggest worries I hear from people considering EMDR is that they'll have to share every detail of their most painful experiences. For many people, it comes as a relief to learn that's not the case.

EMDR is not a talk therapy, and you don't have to share anything you don't want to or don't feel comfortable sharing. In fact, during reprocessing, less talking is often encouraged.

First, talking in great detail can sometimes pull you out of the experience you're processing and into a more analytical, problem-solving mindset. EMDR works by helping the brain stay connected to the experience long enough to process it, rather than thinking about it from a distance.

Second, there's a common misconception that healing requires describing traumatic experiences in vivid detail. Sometimes that can actually become overwhelming and push someone outside their window of tolerance. What you think might feel cathartic can sometimes become flooding instead.

Reprocessing also looks different for everyone. Some people think in words and tell a story. Others notice images, colors, shapes, body sensations, or emotions that don't have language attached to them. All of those experiences are valid.

At the same time, encouraging less talking during reprocessing doesn't mean talking is "bad." Some people need time to tell their story before they're ready to process it. Others naturally use conversation to regulate difficult emotions. Again, good EMDR adapts the process to meet the individual where they are. 

6.  Healing Doesn't Require Certainty

Some people come to EMDR hoping it will help them finally figure out what "really happened." Others worry they'll uncover memories they don't remember. Both are understandable, but they aren't the goal of EMDR.

EMDR isn't designed to recover memories or uncover the objective truth about the past. While people sometimes remember things they hadn't thought about in years or gain new insights into old experiences, memory doesn't work like a video recording waiting to be replayed. It's far more complex than that.

More importantly, healing doesn't depend on certainty.

There are experiences in life where we may never know exactly what happened, why someone acted the way they did, or whether we'll ever have all the answers. Waiting for complete certainty before allowing ourselves to heal can leave us stuck indefinitely.

I've found this idea can be incredibly freeing. So much of life asks us to move forward without having every answer. While certainty can be helpful when it's available, I don't think healing should have to wait for it.

Instead, EMDR focuses on helping the brain and nervous system integrate the experiences that are affecting you today, regardless of whether every question has been answered.

What EMDR Has Taught Me About Healing

The biggest thing EMDR has taught me isn't just how to help people process difficult experiences. It's given me a different way of thinking about healing itself.

Healing isn't simply about thinking differently. It's about increasing our capacity to experience emotions, stay connected to our bodies, build supportive relationships, strengthen internal resources, and integrate experiences that once felt overwhelming.

Ultimately, I think healing looks less like never feeling anxious, sad, angry, or overwhelmed again and more like developing a nervous system that's flexible enough to respond to what's happening today instead of automatically reacting from what happened yesterday.

Whether that happens through EMDR, traditional talk therapy, skills-based therapies, somatic approaches, or another modality entirely, that's the work that matters most.

For me, EMDR is one framework that helps make sense of that process, and that's why it continues to shape the way I practice therapy.

Why Do I Keep Reacting This Way in Relationships?

Understanding defensive reactions, anger, & withdrawal

Many people who struggle with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or withdrawal are already painfully aware of the impact these reactions have on their relationships. What they're often missing isn't accountability—it's understanding where accountability and compassion meet, and what it actually takes to change.

Maybe you've been told you're too sensitive.

Maybe you've been accused of overreacting.

Maybe you've found yourself reacting in ways that don't align with how you want to show up in your relationships.

Some people protect themselves by becoming defensive, angry, critical, argumentative, or by shutting down and withdrawing completely.

These responses can be painful for everyone involved. They can create conflict, damage trust, and leave people feeling hurt or misunderstood. The person reacting this way often walks away feeling ashamed, wondering why they keep repeating patterns they genuinely want to change.

One thing I've noticed as a therapist is that the clients who worry most about being "the problem" are often the ones working hard to understand themselves and improve their relationships.

They're usually not coming to therapy because they want someone to tell them everyone else is wrong. They're coming because they don't like how they show up when they're hurt, overwhelmed, or triggered, and they genuinely want things to be different.

I work with people who are already judging themselves. The last thing they need is another article judging them.

That doesn't mean avoiding accountability. What they're often missing isn't awareness of the problem. It's an understanding of why these patterns keep happening and what it actually takes to change them.

Why These Reactions Are Often Judged Differently

People who struggle with responses like fawning often get told, "You learned to survive the best way you could."

People who struggle with fight responses often get told, "Stop being toxic."

Yet both can be protective responses that developed in response to life experiences. Both can create challenges in relationships. Both can have consequences.

We tend to have a lot of compassion for coping strategies that primarily hurt the person using them. We tend to have less compassion for coping strategies that can impact other people.

That doesn't mean the impact on others doesn't matter. It does.

But if understanding helps us approach people-pleasing with compassion, then understanding can also help us approach defensiveness, anger, criticism, and withdrawal with compassion.

If you're showing up, taking responsibility for your actions, and asking hard questions about why you react the way you do, you deserve support—not judgment. Compassion is not the opposite of accountability. In many cases, it's what makes accountability possible.

What's Happening Underneath the Reaction?

When people see anger, defensiveness, criticism, or withdrawal, they often focus on the behavior itself.

What they don't see is what happens underneath.

Often, underneath the anger is hurt.

Underneath the defensiveness is shame.

Underneath the criticism is fear.

Underneath the withdrawal is overwhelm.

Many people who struggle with these reactions are deeply affected by conflict, criticism, rejection, disappointment, or feeling misunderstood. Their nervous system quickly shifts into protection mode before they have time to think through how they want to respond.

This doesn't excuse hurtful behavior. But it does help explain why simply telling yourself to "stop doing it" rarely works.

If these reactions could be changed through willpower alone, most people would have changed them already.

It's also important to remember that coping strategies have both external and internal consequences.

When we think about behaviors like anger, criticism, defensiveness, or withdrawal, we often focus on their impact on other people. That impact matters and shouldn't be ignored.

At the same time, many people who rely on these protective responses are suffering because of them as well. They may leave interactions feeling ashamed, discouraged, lonely, or frustrated with themselves. The same response that is creating problems in a relationship may also be creating pain within the person using it.

The Shame Cycle

One thing that often keeps these patterns going is shame.

After a difficult interaction, many people don't just think about what happened. They start building a case against themselves.

They replay the conversation.

They think about the impact they had on the other person.

How they may have wanted to stop in the moment but couldn't.

They remember similar situations from the past.

Before long, the evidence starts piling up.

I'm a bully.

I'm toxic.

I'm a bad person.

That's just who I am.

In my experience, people who struggle with anger, defensiveness, criticism, or withdrawal are often painfully aware of the ways these reactions have affected their relationships.

They're embarrassed and ashamed but not sure what to do next.

Unfortunately, shame often creates more fear, more self-protection, and more reasons to stay on guard—working against the very change they're hoping for.

They already want to change. What they often need first is compassion for themselves. Not the vague, buzzwordy kind, but the kind that holds accountability hand in hand with, "I'm not bad."

"Yes, I've done and said some shitty things, but I'm not bad."

Then we can work on understanding why these patterns developed, what keeps them going, and how change actually happens.

Self-compassion and understanding yourself isn't about letting yourself off the hook. It's about creating enough space to honestly look at what's happening so that something different becomes possible.

The Gap Between Knowing Better and Doing Better

One of the most frustrating parts of this work is that there is often a period where you know better, but you can't consistently do better yet. Don't get discouraged.

You may understand why you reacted the way you did.

You may recognize your triggers.

You may know what you wish you had done differently.

And then the next difficult conversation happens, and your nervous system reaches for the same protective response before you've had a chance to choose something different.

That doesn't mean you're failing.

It means you're learning a new skill while your brain and nervous system are still relying on an old one.

In my experience, lasting change happens through awareness, practice, repetition, repair, and gradually building the ability to stay present with emotions that once felt overwhelming.

That can be frustrating for everyone involved.

The goal isn't to never feel angry.

The goal isn't to never feel hurt.

The goal isn't to never need space.

The goal is to have more choice in how you respond when those feelings show up.

That takes time.

And while accountability is important, so is recognizing that growth is often much slower and messier than people expect.

What Helps?

While everyone's situation is different, there are a few themes I commonly see in people who begin changing these patterns.

Learning to communicate what is happening for you

One of the biggest challenges in relationships is that people are often having very different internal experiences during the same interaction. A partner may experience defensiveness, anger, or withdrawal as rejection, indifference, or a lack of care. Meanwhile, the person reacting may be feeling overwhelmed, ashamed, hurt, scared, or emotionally flooded.

This doesn't mean you need to perfectly explain yourself in the moment. In fact, many people can't. But have conversations when you're regulated that help the other person understand what was happening for you. Also, listen and be curious about what's happening for them.

Learning to recognize activation sooner

Many people don't realize they're overwhelmed until they're already reacting. Part of the work is learning to notice the early signs that your nervous system is shifting into protection mode. Then you have more options because you can cope proactively, not just reactively.

Building tolerance for difficult emotions

Anger, shame, hurt, disappointment, fear, and vulnerability can feel overwhelming. Change often requires learning how to stay with those emotions a little longer without immediately reacting to them.

Practicing new responses when the stakes are low

Most people can't go from reacting automatically to responding skillfully in their hardest relationships overnight. New skills often need to be practiced repeatedly before they become more natural. So don't pick something that's 10/10 hard. Start with lower-stakes moments.

It helps for your nervous system to experience what responding differently feels like. Successful experiences build confidence, reinforce new skills, and help your brain recognize that other options are available. Lower-stakes moments are often a better place to start because you're less likely to be overwhelmed and more likely to get the repetition needed for change.

Helping the other person know they matter, even when you're struggling

Many protective responses unintentionally communicate messages that aren't actually true.

A person may deeply care about the relationship while behaving in ways that send the opposite message.

Part of growth is learning how to communicate care even when you're struggling.

Agree on small ways you can communicate this in difficult moments. A word or phrase. An emoji. A brief touch. A reminder that you're overwhelmed, not walking away from the relationship. Be creative. Do what makes sense for you.

Why change feels so hard

It's also worth remembering that many of the things that help create change can feel difficult for the same reasons these patterns developed in the first place.

Communicating openly requires vulnerability.

Repair requires vulnerability.

Taking accountability can trigger shame.

Explaining what's happening internally can feel uncomfortable or exposing.

If these things were easy, most people would already be doing them.

If this list feels overwhelming, don't worry about doing all of it at once.

Pick one place to start.

Small changes repeated consistently tend to be more effective than trying to overhaul everything at once.

Growth happens through practice.

Through repetition.

Through trying again after difficult moments.

And through gradually building confidence, awareness, and flexibility, you can respond differently than you did before.

Final Thoughts

Protective responses develop for a reason.

At some point, becoming defensive, angry, critical, argumentative, or shutting down likely helped you navigate situations that felt overwhelming, painful, or unsafe. The problem is that strategies that once helped us survive don't always help us build the kinds of relationships we want in the present.

If you've recognized yourself in this article, I want to leave you with a few thoughts.

You are responsible for your actions.

The impact your behavior has on other people matters.

The work of understanding yourself is not a substitute for making changes.

And...

You are not your worst moments.

You are not your mistakes.

You are not defined by the ways you learned to protect yourself.

Change is possible.

Not because you'll eventually find the perfect insight.

Not because you'll shame yourself into doing better.

But because awareness, practice, accountability, self-compassion, and repetition can gradually create new ways of responding.

You don't have to become a completely different person.

The goal is to build enough awareness, skills, and flexibility that your protective responses stop being the only options available to you.

And while that process can be slow, frustrating, and messy at times, it is absolutely possible.

If this resonates with you and you want to learn more, here’s a few places to start:

If you’re interested in more information check out the links below:

Individual Therapy For Relationship Issues

Anxiety Therapy for Overthinkers

EMDR Therapy Online

LGBTQ Therapy in Massachusetts, New York & Florida

FAQs Therapy Questions

About Kim O'Brien